really?

It is pretty funny feeling that I’ve gotten today. In my mind, I shouted “Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone”.

Am I really a loner who likes t seek attention, that’s a contradicting split personality. Nono, it’s unhealthy, things should’t be the way it is right now, something needs t be changed!

backwards

The point of travelling is to expand my horizon, gaining greater awareness of the world around me and what’s inside me. What have I achieved from it instead? Broken heart, close friend who seems to be showing signs of indifference towards you and regrets that came from mis-control. This sense of self-worth dips to zero after knowing how much people you’ve hurt. I kept telling myself I don’t know how to deal with people and maintain relationships, but for the matter of fact, I’m just being plain selfish. I avoid facing what’s in front and around me. I feel comfortable sitting in my circle of boundary that draws clear separations that says ” no entry beyond this line “.

After my backpacking trip from Laos and Thailand, my changes can be felt by those who are close to me, and according to them, they are not good ones. Things that I’ve said are not all that happened. Not everything that I’ve experienced can be put down and expressed in words. What I have said can never represent the whole experience and realizations I’ve had. How do you explain that you feel touched by the scenery, the breeze you felt that brings to a sense of serenity when you were in a local bus, the heart beat you felt when you thought you would never make it alive climbing up the mountain. How do you describe feelings that are beyond being happy, sad and angry? I can never find a person who can understand how I really feel, someone t share what i have went through. I’m just upset that I have become someone important in someone else’s heart and feeling that I don’t deserve so much. I want to matter, but somehow, I think it is too much for me to handle. And after so many years, she still doesn’t know me much after all, the person who camouflaged herself well under layers of disguise.They will only continue having expectations and letdowns, ups and downs ups and downs.

I still not quite understand how this whole relationship with people works. Com’on people judge and they will tell you through their behaviors.

“The more I see, the less I know” – I really don’t want to lose myself yet it seems that the more I search,  the further I stray. I would not stop until I find it – but sometimes, you need to stop to gather whatever you have lost before moving on.