really?

It is pretty funny feeling that I’ve gotten today. In my mind, I shouted “Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone”.

Am I really a loner who likes t seek attention, that’s a contradicting split personality. Nono, it’s unhealthy, things should’t be the way it is right now, something needs t be changed!

backwards

The point of travelling is to expand my horizon, gaining greater awareness of the world around me and what’s inside me. What have I achieved from it instead? Broken heart, close friend who seems to be showing signs of indifference towards you and regrets that came from mis-control. This sense of self-worth dips to zero after knowing how much people you’ve hurt. I kept telling myself I don’t know how to deal with people and maintain relationships, but for the matter of fact, I’m just being plain selfish. I avoid facing what’s in front and around me. I feel comfortable sitting in my circle of boundary that draws clear separations that says ” no entry beyond this line “.

After my backpacking trip from Laos and Thailand, my changes can be felt by those who are close to me, and according to them, they are not good ones. Things that I’ve said are not all that happened. Not everything that I’ve experienced can be put down and expressed in words. What I have said can never represent the whole experience and realizations I’ve had. How do you explain that you feel touched by the scenery, the breeze you felt that brings to a sense of serenity when you were in a local bus, the heart beat you felt when you thought you would never make it alive climbing up the mountain. How do you describe feelings that are beyond being happy, sad and angry? I can never find a person who can understand how I really feel, someone t share what i have went through. I’m just upset that I have become someone important in someone else’s heart and feeling that I don’t deserve so much. I want to matter, but somehow, I think it is too much for me to handle. And after so many years, she still doesn’t know me much after all, the person who camouflaged herself well under layers of disguise.They will only continue having expectations and letdowns, ups and downs ups and downs.

I still not quite understand how this whole relationship with people works. Com’on people judge and they will tell you through their behaviors.

“The more I see, the less I know” – I really don’t want to lose myself yet it seems that the more I search,  the further I stray. I would not stop until I find it – but sometimes, you need to stop to gather whatever you have lost before moving on.

I’m feeling nothing but depressive, lost and upset.
I feel like don’t know what I really want, full of procrastination
and nonsense. Crap this feeling really sucks big time!!! Argg!

talking to you dark clouds, my best friend

my mood feels exactly like this right now .. dark clouds roam above my heart, drizzling occasionally .. im asking myself, why am i always feeling so loney yet i dont want anyone to be around me. it’s such a contradicting feeling that i always get. why cant the real world be like dreams, just feeling so happy and free to do whatever you like. no one will question u, no one will give u weird looks.

im just feeling upset my bf cant spend more time with me, it is as good as illegal if we spend more than 2 days consecutively together. now  im kinda an expert in “distanced” relationship..

The Heart Asks Pleasure First/The Promise (Edit) by Michael Nyman

The Heart Asks Pleasure First/The Promise (Edit) by Michael Nyman.

闷

All my life, I’ve been studying, worrying and doing things I never really enjoy doing. All I want to do is to travel to somewhere new, being a coward, someone irresponsible.

Maybe, just maybe, that I am better left alone. It is tiring to act like everything is fine, to force a smile on my face, just to keep them from asking ‘are u ok?’. No I am not, so? what ya gona do abt it, so it’s better if you not know.

Today’s weather is soooo good. I just wana do something! like cycling or swimming, but there is no one to do it with.  So I slept my ass off the whole afternoon. I’m great at wasting opportunity.

Lazy me, procrastinating me, really hope I can get my work started tmr.

I’m adopting a vegetarian diet right now, hope it will improve my overall health condition.

闷闷闷死我了。。

no you dont.

SAMRIT KAUR .. You have hurt me deeply with your sms. Havent been sleeping for 2 days and the first thing i woke up from my sleep was nothing but a cut on my chest. I’ve had been taking your blows for the past 6 years without complaints. I know there’s more to come but i hate it when someone blames me for something i dont deserve. This might be nothing to most but to me, it meant a lot cos its from you.

Afterall, im not as important as you claimed im to you, if not, you wouldnt have easily said those words, words which are meant to hurt.

messed up.

Things have been rather shit messed up for me. grandmother just passed away last sunday. Time flies and my grandmother has left the world for a week alrdy. i could never dare to imagine the day that my mum leaves me. it must be really hard for her to accept the fact. one moment we were carrying so much hope, thinking that things are just going to get better. i didnt even have the chance to let my grandma have the chance to become a great grandmother. everything was just too sudden. On the day where she was sent to the hospital, she was given a dosage of anesthesia and she never wake up from then on. i really miss her. i could remember how she used to cook so much food whenever we came back to visit her during cny. She’d always give me sweets and praise me.

To have a healthy body is so impt, w/o one, you cant enjoy all the good things in the world. In my life, friends come and go. Good ones stay and forever giving you support and go to a large extent to make you happy. So few, so little .. none.. all along ive been getting heartbreaks and ive started to have a more positive mindset. just close one eye, feel less, think less and be numbed. dont carry too much hope and be happy with my current situation. every action counts and i see it clearly cos i pay attention to details. details are usually things that determine what kind of person you are, for me to decide what kind of attitude i should use.

thnks girl for showering me with all the attentions, though very noisy but im really really glad to have a friend like you. you’re always there and available for me. 🙂

“huarm”

i cant help it but felt so pissed and hurt when my “close friend” just had to criticize my work without much regards of my feelings. well, it might not be work that is worthy for praises but im sure my effort does not deserve such disrespect and insult right. ya, i crushed it in my hands and threw it away in the bin. im not obliged to do all these things but very few seems to understand that i can wash my hands off these kinda matter. sad fact is that no one wants to do it and i just felt tht its only right if someone was to stand up to do it so i just hope ppl cooperate.

after a day, i felt better and hold no grudges on you BOBO. rmb, i might forgive but i’ll nvr forget. afterall i recognise the fact tht critism is good, i might one day, one fine day become a better person. arhh.. but u know the feeling is not tht great afterall and im affected.

i was ironing my uniform just now and i suddenly had the thought tht hey, im glad tht i do the ironing chore by myself, occasionally helping my mum to do it too. i guess simple thing like this makes me a more appreciative person. it just takes one time in many years for my mum to iron clothes for me and it will really touch me deep down. tht would be more than enough to make me happy.  

babes, i miss u all .. i wana see you guys.. talk to you guys.. i need LOVEeeee from you guys !!!

say who

eh actually after reading lulu’s blog, i kinda forgotten why i angry know and i decided to forgive you. BUT! after i saw her saying ” i’m too happy today”

=.=…………

why bobo doesnt allow me to draw cartoon.. >.< i want to draw too..